What you focus on expands.

Focus on what's f*cked about your relationship, you’ll find more of that. Focus on what's missing…you'll find more missing. Focus on what's wrong with your partner, what they're not doing, what they forgot, how they fell short…and I promise you, that list will grow and growwwww.

Your brain is REALLY good at finding evidence for whatever story you're already telling yourself.

The experiment is to see what happens when we flip it: focus on what's RIGHT? Focus on what they DID do for you (or are trying to, anyway), who they ARE (why you fell in love with them all that time ago), the little sh*t that says I love you without words? That expands too.

"Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions." — Zig Ziglar

"What you appreciate, appreciates." — Lynne Twist

Simple, but might feel a little weird at first…especially if expressing appreciation out loud isn't really your thing. Do it anyway. That's literally the whole point. If you want something you’ve never had you’ve got to do sh*t you’ve never done before. 🙂

Every night for 7 days, at the end of your day, dedicate 5-10 minutes to this experiment. Take turns sharing these three things:

1. One “thank you” for who they ARE.

Not what they do. Who they are. Their character. The way they move through the world. The version of them that existed before you and will exist always. This one requires you actually THINK. No lazy answers. 😉

Examples:

• "You never give up on us even when it feels really hard. I see how resilient you are and I appreciate it.”

• "You're a better parent than you think you are. Thank you for how much you do for them.”

• "You carry so much and you don't complain about it. I don't acknowledge that enough. Thank you for having a good attitude about all this.”

• "You have the biggest heart and I’m grateful I get to be loved by you.”

2. One thing they DID today for you, for the family, for the household.

Big or small. (ESPECIALLY small. The small ones are the ones that go unseen and unfelt the most...and they're usually the ones that matter most, too.)

Examples:

• “Thank you for doing the dishes after work so I didn’t have to clean up alone.”

• “Thank you for working so hard to support our family. I don’t take it for granted.”

• “Thank you for being patient with me today when I was being short with you.”

• Making me coffee, letting me sleep in, taking out the trash, texting me on your break, etc. etc.

3. One way they made you feel safe, seen, loved, or good today.

(Hint: if you think it doesn't count because it was too small, it counts. Say it…simply to open the door to a habit where NOTICING small efforts becomes normal.)

Examples:

• “Thank you for staying grounded/calm when I was upset today. That meant a lot.”

• “Thank you for checking in with me when you could tell something was off."

• “I felt loved when you reached for my hand in the car, snuggled me in bed, kissed me goodbye before you left, etc. etc.”

• “When you acknowledged me for ___ I needed that more than you probably know. Thank you for noticing my effort.”

Here's the only rule: receive it on a heart level. No skipping over it without letting yourself feel something. No deflecting. No "oh it was no big deal” minimizing. No immediately firing back your own list before theirs actually lands. Let it HIT you for real.

The receiving is honestly where the real work is. For a lotttt of us, being seen and appreciated is waaaaay harder/way more uncomfortable than giving it. Notice that if it comes up for you. 👀

And listen…the days where you're exhausted, or you're still a little annoyed from something that happened, or the LAST thing you feel like doing is saying nice things to each other…

Those are (unfortunately lol) the most important days to do this experiment. Because finding the good when it's hardest to find is what rewires your relationship's default setting from "what's going wrong" to "what we’re lucky to have.”

Don't skip the hard days. That's literally where the magic lives. That's where the growth happens. K??!!

After 7 days, if this experiment felt good, I want to encourage you to keep going. You don't have to do all three every single night forever. But making appreciation and gratitude for at least ONE thing a daily non-negotiable in your relationship is an overlooked cheat code.

The couples who feel the most connected aren't the ones who never struggle, fight, or get frustrated. They're the ones who never stop looking for the good. Zachary and I exchange at MINIMUM one gratitude statement literally every single day. It raises the vibe…keeps it high, ya know?

Make noticing the good and expressing gratitude the culture in your home. You will feel it change the energy between you two with time.

Now go on and be grateful. There’s good you’ve been failing to see. And don’t be lazy!!

Good ass love is earned.

Work, baby, work.